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i made this drawing when i felt like shit, i don't remember the exact reason behind why it started, but i already know what i was thinking about while drawing it. full image(has guts and exposed man chest).

how the fuck do you make these images smaller? whatever

i'm not going to be a liar and say that i thought of everything intentionally when making this. i didn't. i realized that there was a lot of uninentional symbolism to what occurs in my head. i really just felt like drawing a guy with his guts open. looking back on it, i thought of it as like the left and right parts of the brain fighting each other. whichever wins, results in death, but one is more preferrable. the half without an earring holds a scroll, the kanji being death. it's pretty formal looking back, the scroll is like an execution order. the one with the earring has ripped apart the stitches accross the gut, spilling it(wow). getting to the point, it's literally just my "rational" side fighting against the one which wants to do things that matter. the brain likes to put the host in trap-like situations for 0 good reason, leading to many mental issues. i have a strong want to be really good at what i like, being drawing or music, or just simply doing it. however, my brain instead decides that the fear of failure is too scary, and that i should barely do it(because for music, i have contracted myself to do it daily atleast a little). the fact that i do it at all daily is a great thing, because then i don't get trapped into not doing anything for a month and then giving up. i talked to someone about my irrational fear, and in response, they did think of it as something irrational. i really don't get it. because of how much i want to do stuff that matters, i've started not being able to enjoy videogames most of the time. this isn't that big of a deal, but i like that i can recognize when something is pointless or that i'm not having fun. i think having fun and purpose is most important. however, i don't have a perfect metric of what is pointless or not, so this leads to a margin of error in my brain. me and my friends did a party game thing for a birthday, and at first my brain just rejected it. then, my sub(?)conscious started saying "ok but it would be cool", and then the other part responded by saying "i don't feel like it". this makes absolutely 0 sense and i hope to put it into better words eventually. my mom frequently says that my anxiety and stress about some things are irrational, and that i really shouldn't worry about it. this helps me a lot sometimes. thanks mom. as i was writing this, a friend dm'd(is this how you verb-ify this abbreviation?) me, which leads to the next thing that i often think. i will think for 0 reason at all that someone dislikes me or hates me and then i will dwell on it for like 3 days until they say something to me and then i'm like "hi [friend] :DDDDDD". i'm not sure if this is just an inherent thing that i have or if it stems from my old friend group or something else entirely. it sounds like attachment issues, probably because it is. but, i don't try to cling to people too much because i do not want to be seen as that. i also feel bad about feeling this way sometimes because it feels like invalidating the friendship that i have with a person my mental state between the beginning of writing this paragraph and the end is day and night. my hypothesis was correct and i will keep writing these when i feel bothered, i think.

i think by this point, i'm getting tired and i'm starting to lose the thoughts that i wanted to get out. but yeah, i love the arts very dearly and i want to do things that matter to me more